As you know, here on this site we try to dispel the negative stereotypes about gamers. You know what we’re talking about: that gamers are filthy, unwashed nerds with zero social skills who’ve never touched a woman in their lives. You know, the whole ‘neckbeard’ meme that has been used to oppress those who suffered the most during the formative years of childhood.
Today I want to dispel yet another negative stereotype of gamers; that we have bad teeth. First of all, your teeth patterns are almost fully genetic, barring bad habits like thumb sucking. Now, as a hardcore gamer with a perfectly, straight teeth, I am doing my part to dispel this nonsensical stereotype. But I wasn’t born this way, and I fought tooth and nail to achieve the set of perfect canines you see before you today.
The following is my story of hardship for aesthetics. Of cold hard cash for orthodontics. Of a recovery of the inner self expressed through our food tearing and chewing mechanism. Let’s begin.
Prologue: A Tale of Woe
Here it begins. A standard childhood tale of some mild disfigurement and an endless torrent of bullying that shaped me into the angry nerd you see today. I had crooked teeth, and I hated it. The reasons I hated it were obvious. Crooked teeth were a sign of genetic inferiority, and I recognized it even back then. The lower primates called children were instinctively responding to my real weakness, a sign that I may get the whole pack killed. Being ostracized was thus necessary.
I Find My First Quest
Every nerd remembers it; his first ever ‘quest’ in life. For some it may have been getting the latest gadget; for me it was getting orthodontic treatment and my teeth straightened. I knew even back then that it would be an easy way to achieve positive outcomes in the future without even trying. People would simply like me better because of my straight teeth, and from likability comes influence, and from influence comes power. Those people of course never realize how much less they would like me if the only change I made to myself was that my teeth became crooked again.
But I digress. You see, thanks to the power of the Internet, although still fledging back then, I had already decided to research teeth straightening treatments. I didn’t know the word orthodontist or orthodontics back then, but I soon learned. And I came to see it as my quest objective.
Success and the Spoils of War
Long story short, I got my braces. Finishing my quest wasn’t too difficult, all I had to do was ask my nice upper middle class parents and they took me to a fantastic orthodontic centre somewhere in Birmingham, where our grandparents lived. As you can imagine, that was quite inconvenient but that’s the narrative. Anyway here are the spoils of war, aka the benefits that orthodontic treatment brought me.
Note: Please choose a qualified and certified orthodontist, and don’t skimp on the cost. Look at what happened to these poor sods back in the backwater of Malaysia.
Members of the Opposite Sex
Let’s face it, nice teeth are a symbol of genetic fitness. Fortunately as technologically advanced beings, we can mold our bodies to match these symbols; even if we never had it naturally in the first place. Simulating this genetic fitness leads to increased success with the opposite sex. In short, I went from braces to condoms, real quick!
Increased Social Influence
People naturally respect those they perceive to be higher up in the dominance hierarchy more. It is another instinctual reaction. When I’m at a social event, which is surprisingly often for a nerd, people always compliment my smile. Is it really any different or shallow then a girl with implants going to a party and getting complimented? What’s the difference really?
Anyway, because people liked me more I got invited to more parties. It was a great positive feedback loop.
Improved Mastication Experience
Chewing your food is a much more pleasant experience when bits of it aren’t constantly getting irritatingly mashed up between your molars and canines.
Orthodontics and cosmetic dentistry can be used to improve your aesthetics and simulate genetic markers of fitness. This will bump up your standing in the social hierarchy and you will receive the associated benefits. Eating is also better. The end.